O Father, help me not be so blind to the needs of others and to be more vulnerable. May you use a wretch like me for you great purposes and save more wretches like me according to your good and perfect will.
Learning about theology and the bible comes easy to me; learning about relationships and feelings does not. Over the past year or so I have worked on developing friendships with people as opposed to isolating myself at home. However, it seems that as I am gaining friends, I am also getting hurt more often and I tend to retreat back to isolation. I am learning that to truly be in fellowship with others necessitates vulnerability, which means sometimes I get hurt. Just today, somebody said something that made me feel like they thought I put too much emphasis on certain things—like they thought I cause divisions. Whether or not they think that, is not that relevant, because we are responsible for thinking about how we say something. Regardless, I am not mad, just hurt that they might not care as much for me as I do for them (obviously this goes much deeper than just a statement). However, as I have been reflecting on this incident and hurt feelings in general; I realized that I should be especially thankful for hurt feelings. Sometimes, I wonder whether I truly do care about others. By God allowing me to experience hurt, he has shown me that I do truly care. I do not know if others see the love of Christ in me, but it is my hope and prayer that they do. After today, I am encouraged and challenged to let myself be more vulnerable, if that means others might come to know to gracious love of Christ. What is it that I should be hurt, when others might know the love of Christ as a result? Am I not called to be like him in every way—to even feel as he feels?
O Father, help me not be so blind to the needs of others and to be more vulnerable. May you use a wretch like me for you great purposes and save more wretches like me according to your good and perfect will.
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As of late, I find myself relating very much to the line from the Newsboys song that says, “When You called my name
I didn't know what that word really meant.” I never knew what the Christian life was really about and just when I think I’ve got it figured out something changes and I learn I am wrong. Although, I have the Holy Spirit within me and all things are possible with God, not all things are easy. Over these past few weeks I have been challenged in ways I never thought I would be and struggled to live out my faith. It seems it is much easier to live for Christ when all is going well and not so much when life seems to fall apart. Over these past few weeks I have had to handle a difficult roommate situation, work issues (primarily gossip), and endure watching a person of interest be interested in someone else. I have had to wrestle with my feelings to get revenge, my feelings of selfish want, and most difficult of all, my feeling as though I have been utterly disobedient to my Savior. I handled the first couple of issues well enough. I asked for prayer from practically everyone I knew and advice from my pastor. The later two I have poorly handled. Watching a person of interest go after someone else (so it seems) caused me distress. Which in turn caused me to ride a coaster of emotions and be deceived by Satan. He would have me to believe that because I was sorrowful over the person that I had been disobedient to Christ the whole time I was interested—that my feelings were in fact sinful. He knows all to well what a blow that is to my faith and to me. For in those days when I wrestled against (still am wrestling to a lesser degree) feeling as though I had utterly disobeyed God, I found myself barely able to eat, let alone come to God in prayer. Seeking God was the last thing I wanted to do because I felt as though God had not come through on his promises. If I really was disobedient, as Satan would have me to believe, then why did God not answer my prayers about being obedient and helping me to love only him? I prayed continually that I my eyes would be fixed on Christ and not the boy. So if I was disobedient, then God had not heard my prayers. How tricky Satan is! Even though I knew this was his work I still believed. The truth of the matter is that I, imperfectly to be sure, was nevertheless, obedient during the time I was interested in the person. I was in fact; most disobedient during the time Satan had me believing I had been disobedient. Thanks be to God that he seeks after us and works to complete the work he began in us. By the grace of God I managed to cry out and he has heard my plea. By the grace of God I am able to ask God to bless the person I was interested in and his potential relationship. In fact, I do believe that praying for the persons to receive the desires of their hearts and obtain a relationship that glorifies God is the only way to find peace in this situation. Difficult, though it may be, I am called to deny myself and seek first the kingdom of God. Thus, my first desire for the two of them should be that God bring them together if it will advance the kingdom of God. Admittedly, it is not naturally my first desire, but it is my prayer that God will put to rest my selfish lusts and cause me to desire first his kingdom and his righteousness so that I may genuinely rejoice when/if God brings them together. I know these matters seem trivial compared to great persecutions and things alike, but these kinds of trials, it seems, are what the Christian life is composed of. Will we do everything for the kingdom of God? Will we deny ourselves in every situation we are placed in? We will really seek first the kingdom of God? Will I? I believe this might be what Oswald Chambers was getting at when he said, “It does require the supernatural grace of God to live twenty-four hours of every day as a saint, going through drudgery, and living an ordinary, unnoticed, and ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus. It is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God—but we do not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life, and holy on the ordinary streets, among ordinary people—and this is not learned in five minutes.” Grace and peace to all my brothers and sisters in Christ. May God strengthen you with power in you innermost being, that you might stand firm in the faith and prevail against the flesh and against the enemy, and may God grant you peace in all ways and at all times. It’s been a while since I’ve last written, which is quite a bummer because I like writing about the things of God. It’s just not very easy to write when you feel like everything in your life is out of control and are struggling to be obedient to Christ. I used to feel like a conqueror, but lately I feel like a weakling who is holding on only by the grace of God. The biggest difficulty for me as of late has been to love those who mistreat me. There have been, from several different places, people who have spoken evil of me or were simply inconsiderate. It’s one thing to talk about loving your enemy and forgiving, but quite another to live it out. Through the prayers of my brothers and sisters and by the grace of God I have been able to maintain some level of composure amidst each trial, though Lord knows it has not been easy. Though I have been obedient (mostly) all of this has caused me to see how sinful I truly am. I very much relate to Paul who said, “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.” In addition to struggling to love those who hurt me; I struggle to trust in the character (especially the goodness) of God. If I am to be honest I am deathly afraid. Often times I am overwhelmed by my emotions and struggle to not let them infect my thoughts and lead me astray. In those moments I fear God is not in control and that he will break my heart instead of guard it. I feel things, which are untrue and fail miserably at bringing those thoughts (and thus feelings) under the obedience of Christ. I know that this is how Satan prefers to work in my life, but he is just so convincing that it takes much prayer and meditation on the word to believe the right things about God again. God might let us get hurt, I am hurt, but the way he does so is not the way Satan describes to me. (If only Satan used his demons to beat me up like he did with the monks, then I could handle it because I would instantly recognize he was at work.) I really wanted to write about something else, like the problem with courtship books, the ways in which Satan works, or cessationism, but instead you get my honest confession. Which is simply this; that the way is hard that leads to life, just like Jesus said it would be. But praise God he is faithful to complete the work that he has started and able to give me grace to be obedient to him at all times. Praise God his promises are true. Praise God he has given us his word so we might know him more. Praise God for he is surely worthy to be praised!
"I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping." -Psalm 6:6
I have written about many things, all of which I believe with my whole heart to be true. And yet, that does not stop me from failing to live up to what I have written, what I believe. I say fix your eyes upon Jesus and then spend so much time thinking about other things, bible things mostly, but not Jesus Christ the person. I say fall on your knees and humble yourself and I forget to repent. I actually think I am a petty good person most of the time. I say to depend on Christ, that without him we can do nothing and then I try to things on my own. I hear God calling me, whispering to me about times to come and I say, “God I cannot do that”, forgetting that it is not I that can do it, but only Christ can. I say to love Him, to make Him your first and only love and then spend more time reading books than with Him. I say do not try to impress a guy, and then try to impress a guy. I say trust God, and then depend on myself. I write many things that I quickly forget. I am like the man who sees himself in the mirror and going away forgets what he looks like. Oh, that God would help me! Truly I am helpless, I am nothing without Him. He is God in heaven, Lord of Lords, King of Kings, He is Holy and I, I am just a sinner in desperate need of His grace. Forgive, me. Forgive me, if I have ever given the impression that I know it all, that I am better than you, or that I follow perfectly the things I say. I do not, my friend. Forgive me. I do not care to talk about mere opinions, but rather to talk about the truth. This proves to be far more challenging than once expected. I used to think there were many things people, Christians in particular, agreed upon, but now I see this is not the case. So, I am left confused and unsure of what to believe. I never want to judge someone, particularly their relationship or lack thereof with God. I am scared. I do not want to act as though I am God and do not take lightly matters concerning God’s will and truth. I am afraid I will offend and I will be seen as arrogant and feebleminded. Yet, I know that I cannot sit idly on the fence simply because I am afraid that someone might take offense or think I am a fool. I must decide whether or not I believe God, in His word, or in what everyone else, Christians even, around me are saying. What a struggle this is though! There are so many seemingly and probably decent Christians who have points of view about which I cannot, not ever, agree with. It breaks my heart when this happens and I cry often about it. Who am I to know God’s will and to say their view is wrong, but not just wrong a lie? That God would choose to reveal himself and His truth to me is beyond my understanding and sometimes I feel more burdened than enlightened. (Kind of like right now.) All I can do is get on my knees and wrestle with God over each of these truths he teaches me until my conscience is clear and I know what the Lord’s will is. Though my conscience may be clear my heart is heavy because I know that to take a stand means some people will judge, some people will hate, and some people might even persecute me. The truth will not always be accepted, even among believers, which is the saddest thing of all. This is my desire, that we, the people of God, might just humble ourselves before the Lord and seek His face wrestling with him until we have received the blessing of his wisdom and understanding; that we might argue with one another less and seek God more. Will we reject Him forever? I pray not. I pray not. Some months ago I was sitting in an airport early in the morning waiting to catch my flight. The airport had just opened and so there were very few people there. I sat at a table in the corner by myself and checked my Facebook, and then I saw that my fear had been realized. The guy I had liked very much, despite my efforts not to, seemed to be interested in another girl and she was interested in him. He had completely forgotten about me. It hurt me a great deal and I couldn’t help but put my head on the table and cry. I had been doing my very best to seek first the kingdom of God and I only seemed to get pain in return.
After crying for sometime I managed to, with tears, write my prayer in my journal. I prayed that God would comfort me and that he would bless the two of them. Then God showed me that this is how he loves us. Our Heavenly Father loves us so very much and yet so many times we, myself included, turn from Him and forget him completely. Like this man who had forgotten about me, I forget about Christ. Christ is jealous for me, as I was jealous for that man. Christ is grieved, even more so, like I was grieved. I praise God for the comfort and strength he gave me that day and for the opportunity to share in his sufferings. I longed for that man, but Jesus longs for us that much more! If you have had any experience like the one I had, you understand how much it hurts. I pray that we may seek Jesus with our whole hearts and not cause Him that pain that we may have once felt when we longed for someone who did not love us back. Love Jesus because He loves you. Today in church the pastor spoke on the Holy Spirit. He said that the first evidence that you have the Holy Spirit is that you speak in tongues. Additionally he said that the Spirit will leave you if you grieve it and so you can lose your salvation. He asked us to consider whether we are really saved if we haven’t spoken in tongues.
As he spoke about speaking in tongues as the sign that you are a believer I began to be grieved. I have been a Christian for eight years now and have never spoken in tongues. It hurt deeply to hear someone say I was not saved. My thoughts were, “What have I been doing all this time then?” and “Why bother any longer with any of it?” I have prayed before for tongues, not as much as other things though, because of several reasons. First, to my knowledge Jesus never prayed for that. I have been praying the things that I know Jesus prayed for. Second, Paul says speaking in tongues does not edify the church as well as prophecy and other gifts. Lastly, I have always believed that it is a gift that the Holy Spirit decides who to give it to and when. I want to be one with the Father and to glorify him, so if speaking in tongues will do this (and it will) then I want it. I want the Father’s will for my life. I am not against it in the least, yet I still do not have that gift. So, am I not saved? Jesus said you will know people by their fruit and Paul tells us what those fruits are. The fruit of the Holy Spirit do not include speaking in tongues; no rather, they are things that can be more easily seen and relate to how we treat others. I agree with the Pastor that these develop more over time, as we learn more and more about them and the Father’s will. I do believe, however, that these fruits will be evident from the beginning. There will be an immediate change in a person’s demeanor and life when they accept Christ and anyone who knew them before will know something has changed. Will they be the most loving person? No, but they will be more loving than before. Will they be the most patient person? No, but they will be more patient than before. The fruit will begin to show in a new believer’s life. Additionally they will put off the old self and no longer act in certain ways that dishonor God. As to whether or not you can lose your salvation, I agree partially with the Pastor. I do believe that it might be possible to lose your salvation, but like the writer of Hebrews I am confident of things pertaining to salvation. I don’t think it is as easy as he made it seem to lose your salvation. We can have assurance of things hoped for and still not be perfect. Look at how Paul addressed the Corinthians, he called them infants for acting according to the flesh. An infant is someone who is born and so, Paul was talking to believers. They were not the best of believers, perhaps, but they were believers nonetheless. I pray that all of us will humbly seek the Lord in these matters, which can be confusing. That we will be careful with what we say so that it builds others up in the faith and pushes them closer to God and not away. We will likely disagree with one another from time to time, but Christ is the head and he will show us the way if we ask him. Have you ever liked someone who doesn’t like you back? Or at least does nothing to show any interest in you whatsoever, like, to the nth degree? I have. I do. If you are like me than you have probably spent many nights crying out to God asking, “Why?!” You know just as I do, how much pain it causes to like someone who might not even remember you exist. It’s the same song on repeat, or so it seems. It seems so foolish. Who does that? Seems to me to be a complete and total waste of time. Who likes someone who doesn’t reciprocate the interest? ...Apparently, me, though I am confident I am not alone. I write about my struggle for two reasons. One, I really don’t think he will read this (because he isn’t interested in me). And two, and most importantly, because I want to hopefully, through the grace of God, encourage others who have felt or do feel similarly. It has been one of the hardest things in my life having to live with feelings I don’t really wish to have. I don’t really wish to have them because they cause pain. All those nights feeling anxious and jealous, wondering what he is doing. Is he pursuing someone? Then feeling ashamed for doubting the Lord of Lords and King of Kings. What a constant struggle it is to put your faith and trust in Christ. Our Heavenly Father has continually asked me, “Do you trust me?” He wants me to trust Him with my heart and in His goodness, two of the most difficult things for me to do. Trust God to provide finances, protect me from danger even, sure, but not protect my heart and be good to me. Thus, the feelings remain and I continue to put my trust in Him, to protect my heart and in His goodness. In doing this I have found the most amazing thing to be true! He is good to me and protects me! Imagine that. Liking someone who doesn’t like you back is one of the most humbling experiences. I cannot count the number of times I have prayed that God would show me His will, wishing all along that he would take the feelings away. I have prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed some more. What I learned is that I am not in control. I take my thoughts captive. I do not daydream about marrying him and do a decent job at not thinking about him altogether. Yet the feelings grow stronger. I have tried; oh trust me I have, to not like him. I have denied my feelings. I have pretended he was not good enough (problem is he is too good). I have tried to like other people, but every time I think about him. Nothing I did worked. The feelings always remain. So what was I to do, but accept this as part of God’s plan for my life? There is only so much one girl can do in a situation like this, until she remembers, “Oh yea, I surrendered everything to Christ. Which means He is in control, not me.” And it is there that I have found peace. God is clearly using this for His good and mine. There are so many things I have learned through it and gained from it. A closer relationship with my Bridegroom, Jesus, is at the top of the list. I cannot pretend it has been easy, but God has provided strength and joy for me, more than I could have ever imagined. I do not know what will come of it. Truthfully, I’d like to marry the man. But I am here to glorify the Lord and if it took all of this just to get me into the right relationship with Christ, then, “Thanks be to God!” To know that He cares enough to push me towards Himself in whatever way possible, makes me realize just how loved I really am. At the end of the day I have more peace, more joy, more love, more contentment because I have gone through this. God is so good to me! He continually amazes me with His goodness towards me and the ways in which He protects me. What an awesome God we serve! I pray that if you too, can relate to this, that the Lord of peace would give you peace in all ways and at all times. May He show you His ways and will for your life, especially in this situation. May you put your trust in Him and accept what He gives to you. May His joy be your strength. May the joy come in the morning, just like it always has for me. May he use your pain and struggle to glorify His name and be a light to this dark world. And, may He use it to sanctify you completely so that you may be one with the Father as he is one with Him. God Bless you, My Friend! * If you want to know some of my thoughts and feelings as I have gone through this read my blog postBehind the Scenes. Today was difficult. As I drove to school today I went down main St. and all that is left are a few homes and a bunch of abandoned buildings. Half of Calhoun is abandon buildings. This made me feel so hopeless inside- to see such a desolate place. I still do not remember Christ during my day, which makes me feel all the more hopeless. I get so overwhelmed by all that has to be done that I forget what we are really made for.
Still I can’t help but think about how these students must feel. They live in the middle of nowhere in a run down town and probably do not know Jesus. There is such darkness at that school. I must, I must remember the power of Christ to change things. It does not have to be so hopeless, if only, if only. What if? What if Jesus breaks your heart?
What if he hurts your feelings? What if nothing else in your life could have caused the pain? What then? When you feel only anger towards God? When you don’t even want to talk to Him? What if He doesn’t seem to be there when you finally do? What then? What if you feel completely alone? What if Satan is taking full advantage of this? What if he is telling you lies? And you believe them? What then? Then you get down on your knees despite all feelings. Then you pray much. Then you wait; you endure until it is over. Then you trust Godly blindly. Then you turn to the One who hurt you; knowing he is good. (I wrote this sometime ago with a friend in mind, but I hope that it will be encouraging to others too.) My friend, I can only imagine the hurt you feel. Living with a broken heart is never easy. I have had a few myself, though none like yours I’m sure. There are several things I’d like to say to you. I hope you will let me say it all; knowing that I love you and only want the best for you. I’d like to remind you once again to lean on your Heavenly Father. He can and will comfort you like no one else. When my high school boyfriend broke up with me I expected to be completely hopeless and heartbroken, but instead I found a comfort like no other. It was not that I was not heartbroken; but that the Lord comforted me. I could hardly believe how comforted I was! All the other heartbreaks were far worse and I dated those guys for far less time! So they really shouldn’t have been worse. How could it be? By the love of Jesus, of course! It took me awhile to be over him completely, but the more I put my mind on Christ the more peace I had and the less pain I felt. I know this can be true for you too; if your mind is stayed on Christ. There is the temptation to be busy all the time so that you are distracted when you have a broken heart, but it will not lead to peace. I am reminded of a poem by Amy Carmichael, here is a verse from it. “He said, "I will crowd action upon action, The strife of faction shall stir me and sustain; O tears that drown the fire of manhood, cease." But vain the word; vain, vain: Not in endeavor lieth peace.” Her point in the poem is that in acceptance lies peace, not in being busy. I personally struggle with this. How do we accept what God has given us and still serve him? I don’t really have an answer yet; other than to fix my eyes upon Jesus. I do know that when I am quiet before the Lord I find peace like no other. Just this morning I was in tears because of a boy (of course) and the Lord lifted me up and has filled me with peace. Open His word and ask him to sanctify you in truth and you will find peace. Believe in his promises that you read about and act upon them; trusting that He will never fail you. Be disciplined in your quiet time; it is essential to having an intimate relationship with your Bridegroom. Let Him be your first love and only love.
"If you are going to be used by God, He will take you through a number of experiences that are not meant for you personally at all. They are designed to make you useful in His hands, and to enable you to understand what takes place in the lives of others. Because of this process, you will never be surprised by what comes your way." Chambers
It’s not about me has so clearly been the lesson God has been teaching me. He has showed many so many different ways I make it about myself that I never would have realized on my own. One of those ways is in suffering. In the "Church" I have heard about suffering. Though some churches neglect to even mention it, most do. Have you ever noticed, though, how we always talk about it in relation to ourselves? Many times we say as the one suffering, “God is trying to teach me something.” Fair enough. I can think of many times I have suffered because God wanted to teach me a lesson and I was being hard-headed and would learn it no other way. I can even think of a couple of times when I was not trying to be hard-headed, but still God in all his wisdom knew I had to suffer in order to learn this or that lesson. But, what if some we are suffering for someone else? What if it has nothing at all to do with us? And what if the suffering is a silent one? A suffering that most would never guess you were going through, nor understand? Could even that suffering be for someone else? Ephesians 3:13 " I ask you, therefore, not to be discouraged because of my sufferings for you, which are your glory." I think that the answer is yes. We are all apart of the same body and thus interconnected. This of course, is not easy. Who wants to suffer for others? ...Not me, I am not that selfless. It’s one thing to suffer so that I can learn and grow; it’s another to suffer for someone else to learn and grow. Of course, I want to be obedient to Christ and I accept whatever he may give to me, but this does not necessarily mean I receive it all with joy. The joy comes when I remember that Jesus did not suffer for himself, but for the sake of others, others like, me. God wants us to have His joy. If this were not so, why would he make one of the fruits of the Spirit joy? And why would he say "Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength?" Ok, so God wants us to have joy, but how? How can we have his Joy in us? There are several things that stood out to me in my study of the scripture on joy. The first thing was, the writers of the new testament wrote often of the Joy they received from seeing and hearing of what God had done and was doing in the life of the believers. John says, "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth." (3 John 1:4) The unity of the church brings joy to us. When we come together and acknowledge what the Lord has done in our midst, we just might be "surprised by joy". Paul says he prays with joy because the Philippians are sharing the gospel (Philippians 1:4) God designed the church to be united so that we might mutually encourage one another and experience His joy. The second thing is closely related to the third and is that Joy is a fruit of the Spirit. I believe that the Holy Spirit is constantly working in those who believe in Him and changing them to be more like Christ. Thus, he is producing in us the fruit of the Spirit. Only the Holy Spirit is capable of producing these fruits in us and changing us. I do not believe we can produce these on our own; but that we can hinder or help the growth. Lastly, we receive joy from being in the presence of the Lord and obeying him. (Psalm 16:11; John 15:11) We must consistently seek the Lord. Praying is crucial in building a relationship with God. It is through this relationship that we receive joy. If the relationship is only a mere acquaintance, how can we expect his joy to be our joy? It is simple enough, seek him and you will find him. However, if you are anything like me, seeking him constantly can be a challenge. (One quick side note; God has been showing me how much he wants to give to me if I'd only seek him.) I have found that by seeking Him consistently his joy has been in me. The second part is to obey him. We must seek and obey. If we obey, Jesus tells us his love will remain in us and his joy may be in us and our joy will be complete. (John 15:11) Obedience may seem impossible at times, but through Christ we can do anything. Obedience is key if we want to be joyful; if we want the joy of the lord to be our strength. God is not trying to trick us or make it difficult. He has very clearly told us what we should do in order that our joy may be complete. If we would only follow through, than we can be those persons who are overflowing with joy that it spills out everywhere, even in the midst of the valleys and storms. What a testimony that would be! I want to be that kind of person and with the Lord's help I know I can be. Rejoice in the Lord Always! Part 1 Nehemiah 8:10 "Do not grieve, for the Joy of the Lord is your strength." This is a very interesting verse that has a different meaning for me now. I have been reflecting on it lately and the following are my thoughts on it. But before I start, I want to clarify some points.
I say this because I don't want anyone to think that joy that we experience cannot give us strength (I used to think this). The joy that we receive is the Lord's and thus it is our strength. Knowing this makes such a big difference in my understanding of the verse and it's application to me. It seemed too far out before and I never really understood how the joy of God could strengthen me until I understood how his joy is in me. Lately, things have been difficult for me and yet simultaneously easy. I feel almost like a hypocrite because everyday I am full of such joy and cannot help but smile and laugh. Yet, I have been feeling heartbroken. Most days I cry, and not tears of happiness (though there have been those too). It goes something like this. Cry my heart out to God, be calmed and given peace, and 30 minutes later full of Joy. I am sure most people who interacted with me would not have had a clue that I cried that morning or the previous night. I say all this because I wonder if this is not how God intended it to be? The Joy that God has been giving me has most definitely sustained me; strengthened me. I tended to think that having struggles or suffering means being without Joy. But now, I am not so sure. God wants to give us joy (John 16:24). So, if he wants to give us joy, then struggling does not mean it gets taken away. Whenever we go through a hard time it doesn't mean we have to be miserable. Things have been hard for me, but I find myself more overwhelmed by his joy than by sadness. There is sadness, though, and each day I must put my trust in God, but then there is joy. I am sad and full of joy at the same time. There has been a struggle, but I do not feel overwhelmed by it and know that I WILL overcome it. As opposed to the past, when I have felt completely helpless, almost hopeless, because my trust was not in the Lord. We make things much more difficult on ourselves by not putting our trust in God and by simply not seeking him. If the Lord blesses and helps us when we are disobedient; how much more will he if we do obey? Now, I don't know if next time I go through a trial I will have this same kind of experience. I don't hear many people with testimonies like mine, which makes me wonder. I wonder if people are simply not trusting and obeying or if this is just a unique experience. I tend to lean towards the former. I have looked up many verses on suffering and joy and they all seem to say that the two go together (James 1:2-4; Hab 3:18-19; Rom 5:3-5; 1 Peter 4:13). There are too many verses about being joyful regardless of our circumstances (Phil 4:4), about trusting God (Proverbs 3:5), about how great God is (Psalm 62:11), about peace that he gives (John 14:27), and about his love and care for us (John 3:16; Psalm 62:12) for me to believe that he wants us to be in pain all the time. For me to believe that he wants to take away our joy when things get hard. In reality, if our joy seems to have disappeared when things got hard, it's probably because we never had his joy to begin with; only a false sense of it. "Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you."Luke 6:28 Throughout my life I have had very few people who I would call an enemy. In high school there was one person who disliked me just because I was a Christian who (to the extent I knew how) stood for what I believed in. The other time I had a difficult time loving someone was freshman year. I wouldn't call her an enemy in the sense that we use it, but she was definitely hard to love because she had hurt me and in that sense she was an enemy. Which brings us to the present. Presently my feelings are hurt pretty bad. I am confused and do not understand what is happening or why? I find myself in tears often, because, well, because my feelings are hurt. They call them "hurt" feelings for a reason. Because my feelings are hurt I find myself very tempted to wish this person would feel just a little bit of hurt. Nothing bad, just a pinch and little sting, you know? But then I am reminded that we are to love our enemies. In my past, I would just dream up scenarios where the person feels hurt just little, so that I might feel better. But this time I can't do that. "For if I rebuild what I tore down, I prove myself to be a transgressor." (Galatians 2:18) God has made me a new creation and I want to be obedient to him. God has told me to pray for this person and so I do. Lord, knows how very difficult it is for me to do this. To say, "Lord bless them, give them peace, and give them strength." Though it is distressing, I must obey. Though all that has happened has been confusing and hurtful, I must believe that the gain in knowing Christ Jesus outweighs all of it. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, including blessing and loving those who hurt me. I don't think things will get easier anytime soon, the challenge has really just begun. But at the end of the day I want to rest my head, knowing I was obedient to Christ. I thank God that I can suffer through these types of trials, because I know he would not allow me to go through this if he did not think I was mature enough to handle it. I can see the change God has made in me and is making in me and I can not help but be filled with Joy. I know things aren't easy now, but this won't last forever and when this season is over I will come out tremendously strong because this will be the first trial of this sort where I will have been obedient. And by that I mean truly seeking to do the Lord's will and obey him. Not that I will get through this without sin, it's already too late for that. I have and will make mistakes, but I am not being disobedient on purpose and that is the difference between this time and those in the past. "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4 I'd be lying if I said death does not scare me. For sometime now (a year or so) the thought of my loved ones dying has haunted me. Sure some of my family members have died, but no one I knew or was close to. The only person I semi-knew that died was my Nona. She died when I was ten. I am now 21 and have still not experienced this kind of grief. This is a blessing from God, I know. But it is so hard for me to properly receive it. Much of it I'm sure is because I struggle to accept any blessing from God. God gives and takes away and all I can seem to focus on is the taking away. I try to fortify myself somehow so that I may not be so grieved when it happens. (My efforts are futile, I know.) All this fortifying does is not allow me to enjoy what God has given me. I read a Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis today. It put my mind somewhat at ease about losing my loved ones. This grief he was experiencing was because of the death of his wife not a relative. But perhaps, what stood out the most was what he said about physical pain. "What is grief compared to physical pain? Whatever fools may say, the body can suffer twenty times more than the mind. At worst, the unbearable thought only comes back and back, but the physical pain can be continuous" Continuous it can be. I know from personal experience. Ten months of continuous pain (I think) certainly, counts as suffering. I just never thought it could be considered worse than losing someone you love. I still don't know. But it is encouraging to hear Lewis talk about it being worse even in the midst of his grief. From A Grief Observed, and a podcast I heard the other day, I learned that it is a completely different type of grief one experiences when they lose their spouse. This grief seems to be far worse that the losing of a child or a parent. (The lady mentioned this in the podcast.) It makes sense, "two shall become one." They describe it as an amputation or a ripping of themselves in two. This, of course, makes me fear marriage. It seems I would be far better off living out my life being single than married. This is not a new fear I discovered today, but one that is only encouraged by what I read. Is it worth it? My heart desires it, but my mind says, "No way, it will only lead to hurt!" Today it does not really matter if I know the answer, because today I am single and the Lord has not told me I will be otherwise anytime soon. Instead, I will "deliberately" put my trust in the Lord. For my hope is in him. The same goes for the death of loved ones. What else can I say, but "Thy will done.?" These days there is much talk about the events (such as storms, political changes, and etc.) happening today being the beginning of the birth pains. This may be so, but in the Body of Christ there seems to be a lot worry over these things. Jesus makes it very clear we are not to worry for one. And for two he says specifically regarding the birth pains, "Do not be alarmed." (Mark 13:7) This is written in three of the four gospels. Therefore we need not be alarmed and as Christians should only be more motivated to preach the gospel. |
What I write AboutMy posts are all about the Christian walk in some way or another. I do my best to make what I post worth reading, thus there are many more things that I write about but do not post. Some of my posts are my reflections on scripture or a quote, other posts are simply my testimony, and others still are letters of encouragement. I hope that you will be encouraged or challenged in your walk with Christ as a result. God Bless you, my friend.
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